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Author Topic: Dino's Laws  (Read 480 times)

A Murricun

  • Guest
Dino's Laws
« on: February 11, 2003, 08:15:49 pm »
I may have posted these before, but some might be amused.

Facility of Distance:  The greater the distance between the observer and a job, or the less likely he will have to do it, the easier it looks.

Authority of Ignorance:  The less the speaker knows about a subject, the more categorical and authoritative his pronouncements.

Queuing Theory:  The supermarket checkout lines are shortest when you enter the store; the bank teller lines are shortest when you complete your transaction.

Automotive Component Failure Analysis:  The windshield wiper never streaks and the washer works perfectly  on the passengers side.  Likewise, the seatbelt retractor will keep the belt out of the mud and snow, preventing soiling your clothing - except in the presence of mud and snow.

Weather Prediction:  The snowfall is heaviest when you have the least fuel mix for your snowblower.

Commodity Pricing:  Gasoline prices go up when you need gas, down when your tank is full.

Timing:  Its later than you think.

Aussie

  • Guest
Re: Dino's Laws
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2003, 09:25:11 pm »
"Automotive Component Failure Analysis: The windshield wiper never streaks and the washer works perfectly  on the passengers side. Likewise, the seatbelt retractor will keep the belt out of the mud and snow, preventing soiling your clothing - except in the presence of mud and snow."

These phenomena are real-world examples of the 'Law of the Innate Maliciousness of Inanimate Objects'.

Jeremy Singer

  • Guest
Most systems have a Critical Need Detector (CND)
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2003, 01:58:30 pm »
The sensitivity of the critical need detector is proportional to the importance of the person observing your demo and inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to fix the problem...

JTGalt

  • Guest
Those Are Good - They fit in here.
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2003, 07:05:19 am »
I like those

I hope you don't mind me adding them to my collection of laws.

==============

Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy:  A memorandum is written not to inform the
reader, but to protect the writer.  - Dean Acheson

Action's Law:  Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Adler's Distinction:  Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.

Advertising Rule:  In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince
the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is
curable.

Air Force Inertia Axiom:  Consistency is always easier to defend than
correctness.

Allen's Distinction:  The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf
won't get much sleep.  - Woody Allen

Albrecht's Law:  Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable
well-being.

Alden's Laws:  (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy.  (2) Always be backlit.  (3) Sit down whenever possible.

Andrea's Admonition:  Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.

Anthony's Law of Force:  Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:  Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least
accessible corner or the workshop.  Corollary: On the way to the corner, any
dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

Approval Seeker's Law:  Those whose approval you seek the most give you the
least.  - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman

The Aquinas Axiom:  What the gods get away with, the cows don't.

Army Axiom:  Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:  (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.  (2) If it
does exist, it's out of date.  (3) Only documentation for useless programs
transcends the first two laws.

Astrology Laws:  It's always the wrong time of the month.  - Rozanne Weissman

Avery's Rule of Three:  Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working
around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -
it's the start of a brand new series of three.

Baer's Quartet:  What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is
good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is
good politics.  - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat
more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice
versa.")

Bagdikian's Observation:  Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
ukelele.

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:  A block grant is a solid mass of money
surrounded on all sides by governors.

Baker's Law:  Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it.  -
Columnist Russell Baker

Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:  The hippo has no sting, but the wise man
would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Barker's Proof:  Proofreading is more effective after publication.

Becker's Law:  It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.  - Jules Becker
& Co.  (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as
government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer
would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies
than look for a new employee.")

Belle's Constant:  The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work
is about 0.6.  - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and
Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most
useful in planning long-range projects.  It is based on such things as an
analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent
working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee
breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to
determine what to do next.

Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:  (1) Houses are for people to live in.  (2)
Gardens are for plants to live in.  (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.

Berkeley's Laws:  (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories
make it out to be.  (2) Ignorance is no excuse.  (3) Never decide to buy
something while listening to the salesman.  (4) Most problems have either many
answers or no answer.  Only a few problems have a single answer.  (5) Most
general statements are false, including this one.  (6) An exception - test a
rule; it never proves it.  (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start
checking it; it probably isn't right.  (8)  If there is an opportunity to make a
mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made.  (9) Check the answer you
have worked out once more - before you tell anybody.  - Edmund C. Berkeley

Berra's Law:  You can observe a lot just by watching.  - Yogi Berra

Bierman's Laws of Contracts:  (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the
"what if's".  (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what
if's".  (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".

Billing's Law:  Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
- Josh Billings

Billings Phenomenon:  The conclusions of most good operations research studies
are obvious.  - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story
in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than
his white horses.  He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he
has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)

Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:  The judge's jokes are always funny.

Blutarsky's Axiom:  Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to
reason.

Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets:  Under current practices, both expenditures
and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
- Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute

Bonafede's Revelation:  The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac.
In truth, it's exhausting.  - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the
Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"

Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy:  (1) When in doubt, mumble.  (2) When in
trouble, delegate.  (3) When in charge, ponder.  - James H. Boren, Founder,
President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of
Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]

Boucher's Observation:  He who blows his own horn always plays the music several
octaves higher than originally written.

Bove's Theorem:  The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.

Boyle's Laws:  (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in
the wrong denomination.  (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably
experiment detrimentally.  (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the
dry runs.  (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to
know.  (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
(6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform
perfectly.  (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the
paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.  (8)  Success can be
insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.  (9)
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.  (10)
If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges.  (11) The
lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the
highest overtime rates lie waiting.  (12) Talent in staff work or sales will
recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability.  (13) The "think positive"
leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the
postmortems.  (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
multiple interpretations.  (15) On successive charts of the same organization
the number of boxes will never decrease.  - Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space
Flight Center, NASA

Bradley's Bromide:  If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee; that will do them in.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:  When confronted by a difficult problem,
you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"

Brien's First Law:  At some time in the life cycle of virtually every
organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Brilliant's Law Of Limited Ambition: If you can't learn how to do it well, learn
how to enjoy doing it poorly.

Brilliant's Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on
the public.  Some are genuinely mad.

Brooke's Law:  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond
recognition.

Bureau Termination, Law of:  When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased
out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after
the decision is made.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language:  The number of adjectives and verbs that are
added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality
of the dish.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto:  It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their
money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:  A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Captain Penny's Law:  You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some
of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Carlson's Consolation:  Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve
as a bad example.

Carson's Observation on Footwear:  If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Chism's Law of Completion:  The amount of time required to complete a government
project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:  When things just can't
possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but
most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:  The perversity of nature is
nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same
atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

Cohn's Law:  The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the
less time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend all
your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Colvard's Logical Premises:  All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will
happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:  This is especially true when dealing with
someone you're attracted to.

Conway's Law:  In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
what's going on; this person must be fired.  Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask
for help will see it.  2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Cooke's Law:  In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information
available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Correspondence Corollary:  An experiment may be considered a success if no more
than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your
theory.

Cropp's Law:  The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time
spent in the office.

Bo Diddley's Observation On The Law:  Always take a lawyer with you, and bring
another lawyer to watch him.

Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:  Project teams detest weekly progress
reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration:  The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come
to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

Demian's Observation:  There is always one item on the screen menu that is
mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".

DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.

Dr. Caligari's Comeback:  A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done
several hours of work without performing a backup.

Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe:  Rule 1 - When confronted
with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant
that keeps it from being infinite.  Rule 2 - When all investigation supports
Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it.  Rule 3 - Be prepared for an
infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2.  Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:  The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands
directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme's Axiom:  If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make
us do what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
redefine it.

Fett's Law:  Never replicate a successful experiment.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
your book.  Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where
you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination:  Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the
feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed:  Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Laws:  1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.  2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always
willing to fake it.  3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to
misinterpret it.  4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened
according to his pet theory.  5) If an experiment works, something has gone
wrong.  6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
all need of checking, is the mistake.  7) The perversity of the universe tends
toward a maximum.  8)  Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting:  Dealing with the government is like
kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle's Rules:  1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly
before you start.  2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been
working.  3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.  4) In case of
doubt, make it sound convincing.

First Law of Bicycling:  No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against
the wind.

First Law of Procrastination:  Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).

First Law of Socio-Genetics:  Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Rule of History:  History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat
each other.

Flo Capp's Observation:  The next best thing to doing something smart is not
doing something stupid.

Flon's Law:  There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the
least bit difficult to write bad programs.

Flucard's Corollary:  Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

Flugg's Law:  When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world
is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror:  The night before the English History mid-term,
your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.  Corollary: Every
instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that
instructor's course.

Fourth Law of Revision:  It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Franklin's Rule:  Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will
not be disappointed.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts
to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem.  To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.  2.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.  3. Mysticism is
based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Fresco's Discovery:  If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:  Push something hard enough and it will fall
over.

Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:  Faced with the choice between changing one's
mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on
the proof.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:  1. An object in motion will always be
headed in the wrong direction.  2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong
place.  3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always
be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally
impossible.

Gilb's Laws Of Unreliability:  1) At the source of every error which is blamed
on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of
blaming it on the computer.  2) Any system which depends on human reliability is
unreliable.  3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited.  4) Investment in
reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until
someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Ginsberg's Theorem:  1. You can't win.  2. You can't break even.  3. You can't
even quit the game.

Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:  Investment in reliability will increase
until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
getting some useful work done.

Glyme's Formula for Success:  The secret to success is sincerity.  Once you can
fake that, you've got it made.

Goebel's Law Of Useless Difficulty:  Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's
worth the effort.

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done
is to determine that it isn't worth doing.

Goebel's Law Of Computer Support:  Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone
is like having sex through a hole in a board fence.  It can be done, but it is
neither EASY nor PLEASANT.

Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility:  A statement of absolute functional
equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in
fine.

Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules:  Always multiply a software schedule by
pi.  This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up
going full circle.

Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions:  A future product release date does NOT
say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a
chance in HELL of seeing it before that time.

Goebel's Observation On Utopia:  If everyone believed in Peace, they would
immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.

Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity:  What fun is it to be an expert if you
make yourself easy to understand?

Gold's Law:  If the shoe fits, it's ugly

Goldenstern's Rules:  1. Always hire a rich attorney.  2. Never buy from a rich
salesman.

Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences:  Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Gordian Maxim:  If a string has one end, it has another.

Gordon's First Law:  If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not
worth doing well.

Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem:  No matter the amount of care given the
purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty
expiration.

Gordon's Warranty Law:  All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.

Government's Law:  There is an exception to all laws.

Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.

Gray's Law of Programming:  'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished
in the same time as 'n' tasks.

Green's Law of Debate:  Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
talking about.

Greener's Law:  Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb's Reminder:  Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.

Gummidges's Law:  The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.

Gumperson's Law:  The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
proportional to its desirability.

H. L. Mencken's Law:  Those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach.  Martin's
Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.

Hacker's Law:  The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Hall's Laws of Politics:  1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.  2)
Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed.  3)
Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending,
and conservatives social spending in their own districts).

Hanlon's Razor:  Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.

Hanson's Treatment of Time:  There are never enough hours in a day, but always
too many days before Saturday.

Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more
incompatible with every passing moment.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the
amount of equipment ruined.

Hartley's First Law:  You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've got something.

Harvard's Law:  Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it
damn well pleases.

Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.:  1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things
in life aren't things.  3) Tell the truth; there's less to remember.  4) Speak
softly and wear a loud aloha shirt.  5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow
never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative;
when you're over the hill, you pick up speed.  8)  There are two ways to be rich:
make more or desire less.  9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing.  10) No
rain, no rainbows.

Heller's Law:  The first myth of management is that it exists.

Hinds' Law Of Computer Programming:  1) Any given program, when running, is
obsolete.  2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.  3) If a
program is useless, it will have to be documented.  4) Any given program will
expand to fill all available memory.  5) The value of a program is proportional
to the weight of its output.  6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
capability of the programmer who must maintain it.  7) Make it possible for
programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers
cannot write in English.

Hlade's Law:  If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will
find an easier way to do it.

Hofstadter's Law:  It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.

Horngren's Observation:  Among economists, the real world is often a special
case.

Hubbard's Law:  Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:  The chance of forgetting something is directly
proportional to...to...  uh...

IBM Project Management Axiom:  Need for project modifications increases
proportionally to project completion.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle:  Instruction booklets are lost by the
Goods Delivery Service.  If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese,
Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

Jenkinson's Law:  It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law:  Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

Johnson's Corollary:  Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.

Kramer's Law:  You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.

Larkinson's Law:  All laws are basically false.

The Last One's Law Of Program Generators:  A program generator creates programs
that are more "buggy" than the program generator.

Law Of The Perversity of Nature:  You cannot successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter.

The Law Of The Too Solid Goof:  In any collection of data, the figures that are
obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors.  Corollary 1:
No one you ask for help will see the error either.  Corollary 2: Any nagging
intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.

Robert E. Lee's Truce:  Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from
poor judgement.

Lieberman's Law:  Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:  'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n'
trivial tasks.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:  After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.

Lynch's Law:  When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Manly's Maxim:  Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.

Mason's First Law of Synergism:  The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
souls are a glut.

May's Law:  The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Meade's Maxim:  Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
everyone else.

Mencken's Law:  There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat,
plausible, and wrong.

Muir's Law:  When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe.

Naeser's Law:  You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules:  The first ninety percent of the task
takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other
ninety percent.

Nolan's Placebo:  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Nowlan's Theory:  He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the
next freeway exit.

Oliver's Law of Location:  No matter where you go, there you are.

Orben's Packaging Discovery:  For the first time in history, one bag of
groceries produces two bags of trash.

Osborn's Law:  Variables won't, constants aren't.

Ozman's Laws:  (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
won't.  (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.  (3)
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.  (4) Pizza always burns
the roof of your mouth.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:  Cleanliness is next to impossible

O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law:  Murphy was an optimist.

Parkinson's Laws:  First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its
completion.  Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income.  Fourth Law - The
number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount
of work to be done.  Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee
on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item.  Fifth Law
- If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public
or private, will find it.  Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created
by human failure.

Peter's Principle:  In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level
of his incompetence.

Pudder's Law:  Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
Pudder's law is not true.)

Putt's Law:  Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage.  Those who manage what they do not
understand.

Putts-Brooks Law:  Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it
later.

Quigley's Law:  Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
attempt to use it.

Ralph's Observation:  It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that
you are in a hurry.  Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will
first strike your toes.

Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have
to do it.

Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law:  Inside every complex and unworkable program
is a useful routine struggling to be free.

Ross's Law:  Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars
from the floor-especially in the dark.

Rudin's Law:  In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle:  Only someone who understands something
absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Rule Of Accuracy:  When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps
you to know the answer.

Ryan's Law:  Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
yourself as an expert.

Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.

Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs):  When an organization faces a 20 year
threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed
by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.

Simmons's Law:  The desire for racial integration increases with the square of
the distance from the actual event.

SNAFU Equations:  1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1
unknowns.  2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least
available.  3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible.  4) Interchangeable devices won't.  5) In any human endeavor, once
you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution,
simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else.  6) Badness comes in waves.

Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation:  1) After months of training and you finally
understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives
with an all-new command structure.  2) After designing a useful routine that
gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug"
taken away, and you're left with a useless routine.  3) Efforts in improving a
program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's
"computer literacy".  4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!

Thyme's Law:  Everything goes wrong at once.

Universal Technical Document Units Law:  Characteristics, specifications,
dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in
exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre
times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.

Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to
the amount of work already completed.

Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes:  First Law - Any pre-cut
equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with
expensive connectors at both ends.  Second Law - If n electronic components are
required, n-1 are available.  Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational
Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow
Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy,
in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot.  Fourth Law - When proteup
first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact.  Fifth Law - Prototype npn
blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa.  Sixth Law - A quartz
oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if
it does oscillate at all.  Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully
assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.

Cutler Webster's Law:  There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is
personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.

Weinberg's Corollary:  An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Wethern's Law:  Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Whistler's Law:  You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.

Whitehead's Law:  The obvious answer is always overlooked.

William's Law:  There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Wood's Axiom:  As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
life-or-death situation, the power fails.

Woodward's Law:  A theory is better than its explanation.

Zall's Laws:  First Law - Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing
you do will be wrong.  Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side
of the bathroom door you're on.

Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

Jeremy Singer

  • Guest
There are 2 things that go wrong as you get older
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2003, 08:43:37 am »
The first thing is that your memory gives out.
I can't remember the other one.